P U M P K I N. E V E R Y T H I N G.

In the spirit of the autumn season, I would like to lift up to this blog my intense love of everything related to pumpkin.  Besides the greatness of that word in itself, things that smell and/or taste like pumpkin,

(This includes, but is not limited to, "pumpkin spice" anything, pumpkin pie Poptarts, pumpkin pies.) 

pumpkin patches and all the exciting things they have to offer,

 

babies and animals dressed like pumpkins,
















pumpkins carved to look like interesting things,

  

Charlie Brown & co's search for the Great Pumpkin....

the joy that these things bring to my life is extreme, transcendent, and all-encompassing.




Present me with pumpkin things and you will not go unrewarded.

B.I.L.F. - it does a body good

Women everywhere have been hoping for the day when Ryan Gosling will come into our houses soaking wet and throw us up against a wall to ravage our bodies. To the writers of the movie The Notebook: what the fuck were you thinking? No one could possibly live up to the sultry leg-parting smirk that crosses Gosling's face so often. No man could possibly be this sensitive, smart, rugged and forgiving all at once. Writers, you have created a desire within women that is so strong that the trendy blogging website Tumblr has gotten a hold of this desire and created this righteous website of all things beard. 

http://beardlovers.tumblr.com/

Now, as an avid fan of NBC's show Parks and Recreation, my eyes have been opened to a new facial hair experience. This evolution of thought, what some might call an enlightenment, was not intentional. This valiant steed literally entered into my every thought.  With this post I announce to you, women of the world Ryan Gosling has met his match.  

The Mighty Mustache of Ron Swanson

Soooo ladies, be careful in claiming that only beards will cut it. Within each facial haired male, there lies a sexual tiger waiting to engage. GO FORTH AND ENGAGE THEIR BRAINS OUT.

Da, Ze Vite Rrrrussians!

 ...Vat?  No, not zose Rrussians.

     Mmmmmmmmm yeah that's the one.

The delectable combination of ice cold milk, Kahlua, and vodka brings a joy unlike any other. 
Kinda makes you wanna just rip off your clothes and pour it all over your body and someone else's and then spend the next hour licking it off each other.


Some people say they're not for mass consumption, but I beg to differ.  I have spent many an evening downing one after another of these sweet, creamy treats with nothing worse than bliss and a nice buzz as a result.


And I ain't racist neither.  Substitute the milk for Coke and you've got a Black Russian:


???


Yeahhh you'd put out for that too and you know it.

mission to MY PANTS

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW! We've posted a Ben and Jerry's flavor Before.BUT HEAR ME OUT!
In Honor of all things good and holy and NASA, I will bid my adieu to the Space Shuttle program tonight by willingly gorging myself on a pint of Mission to Marzipan. IF I CAN FIND IT! I have been hunting it down for at least a year with no avail, but I literally have BI-WEEKLY wet dreams about these flavors. Sweet Cream, almond cookies and marzipan swirl together to purposefully make me sweet cream-in-my-shorts. SO ATLANTIS- A farewell to you and a HELLLOOOO BEAUTIFUL to possible future Missions to Marz.

Cornbread. Enough said.

 

As long as it's moist  ;)

Fantastical Fantasia Fuckin'

While walking around Half Price Books a few days ago with some friends who also author this blog, I spotted this gem. Frenchy and I (you know who you are) were playing a lovely game called " what would you do if that was on his coffee table?" After an array of bizarre finds, for example a creepy book of Negro dolls (politically incorrect, but appropriate for the time period of the book), we found this righteous fantasia box set. It was of course immediately part of the game and my unwarranted response was "I WOULD LET THAT GUY DO ANYTHING HE WANTED TO ME."

I think this mainly stems from my belief that everyone likes at least one portion of fantasia. I literally sat mezmerised in front of that shit for most of my childhood. Especially the "dance of the hours" with the hippos and ostriches. Any dude could dance in my bed for hours by showing me his knowledge of Bach and Tchaikovsky. I would know him in the biblical sense till those annoying brooms with a mind of their own take over. I am a classy lady, and I would totally lick your nuts for Disney animation set to classical music. Guilty as charged.

That's some FRENCH-ASS FOOD, Yvonne.

Vive la France and vive le fucking fromage.

France and I get along really well.  You know any dudes who provide you with endless amounts of cheap wine, delicious cheese all over every delicious meal, and perfect crème brûlée ( yeah that's right I put the accents on there, suck mon French-speaking coq )??  I would be so lucky. 

That's why this post is devoted to the delectable cuisine of that beautiful country of croissants, the land of....legumes.... Okay I'm bad at this alliteration thing.  But I am NOT bad at eating, and that is why I love France so much and would bang it to kingdom come, all over a hot, steamy raclette.

OUI OUI.

...is what I will be shouting
all night long
while I take turns
munching cheese and licking chocolate
off some sexy garçon's sexy body.

WHAT THE FOREVER 21?!

I AM PO'

I'm so fucking poor, I can't even muster up the goddamn energy to say the last half of the fucking word. That's why I shop at Forever 21. Even though their clothes are about as durable as fucking Great Value tp, I go back week after week to purchase their overly trendy drivel because there is no fucking way I'm buying Walmart knock-offs by Miley Slutzilla Cyrus. I'd rather shove three bucks across the overly-glittered, fake marble checkout counter to the bisexual asshole in pleather harem pants at my local F21 (which buys me at least four owl necklaces and a feather cape). Still, every time that emo douche peers at me judgmentally past his curtain of greasy, black bangs, I can't help but feel like I am selling my goddamn soul.

That is why I would give you a solid handjob if you can get me a dress under twenty bucks. I would eat you till the world ends baby. And here is Britney Spears singing about it to prove to you I mean BUSINESS. Just replace any verb in the song with fuck and enjoy.

B.I.L.F- Beard I'd Like to Fuck

 COME ONE COME ALL....OR REALLY JUST COME ALL OVER MY FACE.
Men,
      You have probably been mistakenly believing all of these years that women prefer you clean shaven. A beard gives off the image of slobbery you must be thinking. Well you little fucking babies, forget what your mother told you. THAT BITCH WAS WRONG. As you can see from the smoldering sex pots to the left, BEARDS NOT ONLY MAKE YOU FUNNIER, BUT THEY MAKE YOU MORE HANDSOME. Exhibit A: Zach Galafanakis- Awkward, ridiculous and overall wonderful comedian by day, Playboy by night. Men, if you think you get more action than this dude, you are sorely mistaken. I WOULD LET THAT GOOFY SOFT BLANKET OF A BEARD RAVAGE MY VELVET CURTAIN ANY DAY. And if you can even bear to look at the beauty of George Clooney's peppered, stubbly littlle bastard without getting wetter than the Pacific Ocean, YOU MUST BE RETARDED. I wouldn't be surprised to see the straightest men get a little chubby at the mere sight of that perfect smile and it's graying frame. These men and their beards LITERALLY have an All Access pass to my sexual fantasies. LEARN FROM THIS LESSON MY SONS. MY CHARGE FOR YOU 1) Go forth and grow the most righteous beard mankind has ever seen. 2) ACQUIRE ENDLESS PUSSY.  
This may be an ongoing post once I find more equally worth B.I.L.F's. Let me know if you have any ideas!

This is a post about The Black Keys. The name of this post is SCREW. ME. SILLY.

Hooooooly shit.  "Brothers" by The Black Keys makes me want to do all kinds of naughty things.  Throw that baby on the stereo and I will give it up like a sailor on leave for the entire 55 minutes and 29 seconds.  Probably twice.

I mean, listen to this:


 

Okay, okay, contain yourself.  Go take a cold shower.

I'd bang for a banjo.

Some people go nuts over the Spanish guitar. The sweet, sweet melodies produced by skillful fingertips. Or the cello. Oh my god, the cello. Shaped like a woman's body, gently caressed between legs.
But no, those are not things that get me off. I need twang to...well, you know. The banjo is so plucky, so awkward, so...so me. Have you seen Harold and Maude? Give me somma that, Cat Stevens morbid style five-stringin five-fingered fun. I'd continue writing this but I have to go change my pants.

HOW THE FUCK DO I GET OUT OF THIS THING?

WHO GIVES A SHIT?! There's a reason I wear padded bras. It's so you can't see me nip like a preacher's wife on Sunday morning when you invite me to lay in your fucking HAMMOCK. There is no way in hell I can resist a large. thick. well-woven piece of nylon cloth draped between two trees. MY GOD the pleasures in store for you if you invite me over for a thirty-minute catnap. Your feline fantasies are about to be realized. Twice.

Waffle. With peanut butter.

If you say you'll put out for something, and then it is immediately placed in front of you buy a dude wearing a name tag that says Beefy Stew, do you have to do it?

I hope he doesn't read my blog.
Or my body language -- I may or may not have spread my legs and licked my lips when he set down the little peanut butter tubs.  Sometimes I just can't control myself.
Oh man, and when that thick, hot - WAFFLE - appeared... in all its beautiful golden crispiness... I knew I would have to at least tip Mr. Beefy well.  And hope that he didn't try anything with me, because I might have felt morally (perhaps not the right word) obligated to consent.

Keepin' It Classy

Who needs a fancy $50 bottle of wine perfectly paired with a gourmet Italian dish? Just gimme one of them boxes o' Franzia, and I'll be open for business. Franzia pong? Maybe a little "slap the bag" action? I'm sold.

Bitch, you KNEW I loved Froot Loops!

So why are you so mad that I have a boner because I saw this:

I know. I know. You're like, "yeah sweet blue moon clone." Fuck you, you never knew what you were talking about. This shit is like Toucan Sam's jizz in a bottle with yeast.

I appreciate that you bought it for me so much that I'll AT LEAST make out with you.

IT'S CINCO DE MAYO BITCH

THIS IS AN ODE TO CHEESE.
Since most people are drunkenly stumbling out of a Mexican restaurant today, I thought it would be appropriate to describe the cascading orgasms that occur in my mouth when combining the power of cheese with the power of alcohol.
CASE IN POINT:

                                                 QUESO FLAMEADO BITCHESSSS
TO SET THE SCENE: The waiter approaches the table. I, having just returned from the restroom with no idea what my friend just ordered, view a bowl full of white cheese. Could it be white queso?  I wonder to myself. Though intrigued by the thought, I also see a shot glass and a lighter. ARE WE GOING TO TAKE FLAMING SHOTS? Ohhhhhh no. My cultural ignorance is showing. He then proceeds to throw the shot ON THE CHEESE and set it A-FUCKING-BLAZE. Being the pyromaniac that I am, I instantly climaxed basking in the glow of the sexy, cheesy flame.

THE RESULT: 3 tortillas later.........still making sweet sweet love to the tender peppers, slight resulting alcohol taste, and supple-as-a-bare-ass tortillas. If every tortilla were a cock, i would never want it out of my mouth.

HAPPY CINCO DE DRINKO. DRIVE SAFE. AND DON'T CATCH YOURSELVES ON FIRE IN AN ATTEMPT TO RECREATE THIS SEXUAL JOYRIDE.  

I would take it up the ass for Julian Assange

There is nothing hotter than Julian Assange. Quote Julian to me. Give me a framed portrait. Grow your hair out like that Aussie Adonis and stare into my eyes with the steely gaze of an Alaskan mush dog. I swear, my clothes will literally dissolve off my body. You have to be one badass mother fucker to not give two shits about completely dismantling trust between the world's superpowers. And I'm a whore and I have never said no to a penis with an accent.

GIMME SOME FUCKIN PRETZELS

Have you ever eaten a pretzel so fresh that it literally melted when you tried to bite into it? Yeah. I came, too. I’m not typing about any freezer pretzel bullshit that’s all dry as fuck; if I need an extra frisbee I’ll go pick some up. I’m typing about a real pretzel baked just right with the crisp but soft outer layer covering an ALMOST gooey mess of dough.

Directions:

A) Put a gallon (I don’t use hyperbole, ever.) of butter on some fresh pretzel dough and sea salt their dicks off.
B) Briefly bake the buttered bread.
3) Put those on a plate and I will straight lick your pearl.

That’s what I’m getting at.

Optional:
D) If you add sweet icing to the pretzels; I’ll return the favor. Ladies.

WHISPERING VULGAR NOTHINGS

THE WHISPER SONGGG

OKAY LADIES, I know this may seem a little strange since the lyrics are a tad derogatory. I know you are thinking "beat the pussy up" is a little violent.  

But to be entirely honest, I PRAY EVERY SINGLE NIGHT THAT I WILL SOMEDAY FIND A DUDE WITH GOLD TEETH WHO WILL WHISPER IN MY EAR FOR FOUR MINUTES STRAIGHT. 

Seriously though, if you find someone who fits this profile and isn't about to go to jail for sexual assault, TELL HIM TO HIT ME UP!

TOTS ON MY TITS

NAPOLEON DYNAMITE WAS RIGHT TO SHOVE THESE LITTLE FUCKERS IN HIS POCKET.

I am a simple girl. Don't buy me a card, don't write me a sonnet, and really really really don't buy me flowers. BUT GOD DAMN, BUY ME A 99 CENT THING OF TATER TOTS AND MY PANTS WILL MAGICALLY HIT THE FLOOR. 

Babe's Chicken

   

YEAH BABY.
Fried chicken, smoked chicken, chicken tenders, chicken fried steak, pot roast.
All you can eat green beans, creamed corn, mashed potatoes & gravy, biscuits, and salad.
WHAT MORE COULD YOU EVER WANT?


Okay. This completes the great trifecta... I couldn't decide what I wanted most out of this and the two previous posts, so I'm puttin' em all.

Stay tuned!

Red Lobster Cheesy Garlic Biscuits

Dude.
These little guys. So warm and soft and THE ONLY REASON I EVER DECIDE TO GO TO RED LOBSTER.

True love like this knows no boundaries, not even landlocked, chain restaurant seafood.

Ben & Jerry's Cinnamon Buns Ice Cream

Well I've been thinking really hard about this one because it's the first post....  Should it be something really rare and/or expensive?  Something I haven't had in a long time?  Or just something for which I have a very special, intense, and transcendent love?
  
I decided to go with the last one.

 

OM NOM NOM NOM NOM 

The first time I had this delicious treat was on Free Cone Day....2007?  I was with my friend Tori and we waited in line, made our choices, got back in the car and had our first bites.....

Pretty sure I climaxed.

TELL ME:  What's your favorite flavor of B&J?