FUCK By The Girl Scout Law

My most recent dreams include beautiful cookies prancing around to Frank Sinatra music and giving me back rubs. How can a cookie give a back rub? I don't know, but they sure can give me serious fictional pleasure.

In my younger days, I was a cute little Girl Scout selling cookies outside a gas station to meet my limit. I recall hearing my mom yell " If you don't reach your goal today, your Dad and I will have to buy the rest of the boxes." Because of this fact, I purposefully refused a few people cookies so that I would not reach my goal. The love affair began then, and it has never ended.

I must tell you that I am not your typical American when it comes to Girl Scout Cookies. Sure the Thin Mint is great, but it can become monotonous when you are trying to shove a whole box of them in your face. I am a little more high maintenance.

And now, a poem....

Give me the exotic coconut,
The drizzled chocolate,
The chewy exterior,
The tantalizing caramel center.

The Stately Samoa

Put this little bitch around my finger and I will repay you with more exciting sex than a woman who has just recieved a diamond ring. 

The next cookie is a solid tie with the Samoa, mainly because it includes something that I would always take my clothes off for. PEANUT BUTTER. Thank you George Washington Carver for this epic gift to society. Peanut butter makes EVERYTHING taste like an orgasm.

The Tantric Tagalong

I would twist my body like a mother fucking yoga instructor if you gave me a box of these babies. Your Dick in a Box is only welcome after my box of Tagalongs is empty.

SO if you are wondering why girls dress up as Girl Scouts on Halloween, it's not because they think they look sexy. It is a known fact that if you wear a green vest and you are over the age of 18, anyone will have sex with you to get into your cookie jar. It is the Girl Scout Law.

P U M P K I N. E V E R Y T H I N G.

In the spirit of the autumn season, I would like to lift up to this blog my intense love of everything related to pumpkin.  Besides the greatness of that word in itself, things that smell and/or taste like pumpkin,

(This includes, but is not limited to, "pumpkin spice" anything, pumpkin pie Poptarts, pumpkin pies.) 

pumpkin patches and all the exciting things they have to offer,

 

babies and animals dressed like pumpkins,
















pumpkins carved to look like interesting things,

  

Charlie Brown & co's search for the Great Pumpkin....

the joy that these things bring to my life is extreme, transcendent, and all-encompassing.




Present me with pumpkin things and you will not go unrewarded.

B.I.L.F. - it does a body good

Women everywhere have been hoping for the day when Ryan Gosling will come into our houses soaking wet and throw us up against a wall to ravage our bodies. To the writers of the movie The Notebook: what the fuck were you thinking? No one could possibly live up to the sultry leg-parting smirk that crosses Gosling's face so often. No man could possibly be this sensitive, smart, rugged and forgiving all at once. Writers, you have created a desire within women that is so strong that the trendy blogging website Tumblr has gotten a hold of this desire and created this righteous website of all things beard. 

http://beardlovers.tumblr.com/

Now, as an avid fan of NBC's show Parks and Recreation, my eyes have been opened to a new facial hair experience. This evolution of thought, what some might call an enlightenment, was not intentional. This valiant steed literally entered into my every thought.  With this post I announce to you, women of the world Ryan Gosling has met his match.  

The Mighty Mustache of Ron Swanson

Soooo ladies, be careful in claiming that only beards will cut it. Within each facial haired male, there lies a sexual tiger waiting to engage. GO FORTH AND ENGAGE THEIR BRAINS OUT.

Da, Ze Vite Rrrrussians!

 ...Vat?  No, not zose Rrussians.

     Mmmmmmmmm yeah that's the one.

The delectable combination of ice cold milk, Kahlua, and vodka brings a joy unlike any other. 
Kinda makes you wanna just rip off your clothes and pour it all over your body and someone else's and then spend the next hour licking it off each other.


Some people say they're not for mass consumption, but I beg to differ.  I have spent many an evening downing one after another of these sweet, creamy treats with nothing worse than bliss and a nice buzz as a result.


And I ain't racist neither.  Substitute the milk for Coke and you've got a Black Russian:


???


Yeahhh you'd put out for that too and you know it.

mission to MY PANTS

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW! We've posted a Ben and Jerry's flavor Before.BUT HEAR ME OUT!
In Honor of all things good and holy and NASA, I will bid my adieu to the Space Shuttle program tonight by willingly gorging myself on a pint of Mission to Marzipan. IF I CAN FIND IT! I have been hunting it down for at least a year with no avail, but I literally have BI-WEEKLY wet dreams about these flavors. Sweet Cream, almond cookies and marzipan swirl together to purposefully make me sweet cream-in-my-shorts. SO ATLANTIS- A farewell to you and a HELLLOOOO BEAUTIFUL to possible future Missions to Marz.

Cornbread. Enough said.

 

As long as it's moist  ;)

Fantastical Fantasia Fuckin'

While walking around Half Price Books a few days ago with some friends who also author this blog, I spotted this gem. Frenchy and I (you know who you are) were playing a lovely game called " what would you do if that was on his coffee table?" After an array of bizarre finds, for example a creepy book of Negro dolls (politically incorrect, but appropriate for the time period of the book), we found this righteous fantasia box set. It was of course immediately part of the game and my unwarranted response was "I WOULD LET THAT GUY DO ANYTHING HE WANTED TO ME."

I think this mainly stems from my belief that everyone likes at least one portion of fantasia. I literally sat mezmerised in front of that shit for most of my childhood. Especially the "dance of the hours" with the hippos and ostriches. Any dude could dance in my bed for hours by showing me his knowledge of Bach and Tchaikovsky. I would know him in the biblical sense till those annoying brooms with a mind of their own take over. I am a classy lady, and I would totally lick your nuts for Disney animation set to classical music. Guilty as charged.